Tired and Weak

" And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distress, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9,10)

When you first come home from the hospital, emotions are high and your main goal is to  make your new little one feel comfortable. The last person on your mind is yourself... right up until the pain starts to settle in. Months later my husband would tell me that he felt so bad for me. He said I walked with these slow, uneven strides and when I would attempt to sit down it pained him to see me cringe like an old woman only to witness more discomfort from the pressure of sitting down. I remember feeling light-headed in the shower.I felt like a semi-truck had plowed into my body, catapulting me across the road causing me to roll down an embankment, and then left alone for hours to think about what had just happened.

Seven months later, I still feel the same. Not so much physically, but emotionally, and mentally. I heard it said by a nurse that delivering a baby uses every muscle in your body. What they don't tell you is that becoming a mommy isn't much different. Lack of sleep, food, and even a shower here and there, can make a person feel abandoned and unkempt. All your energy and strength go to feeding, caring, and loving your new baby. Much like an old well filled with water, eventually its going to dry up without replenishment. 

In this verse of 2 Corinthians, Paul had a thorn in his flesh. He asked God to remove it. Instead of removing the thorn, God gave him the strength to bear it. I imagine the thorn didn't feel anything like a woman giving birth (let's face it men can't handle that kind of pain) but in that moment when we become mothers I imagine God places a thorn in our flesh. Some days the pain is minimal, other days we pray to God asking Him to take it away! I realize I might be judged by comparing motherhood to having a thorn thrust in your flesh, especially by those of you who aren't yet there, but let's be honest moms.. you know what I mean.

I believe that in order to be a good mother a part of us dies. It is the selfish part of us. The part of us that puts ourselves first, the part of us we miss sometimes... Every mom can admit there are days she wishes she could just have a "ME" day. A day without the kids, without the pressures of being everything to everyone... except herself. It is those days when the thorn hurts a little more than usual. It is those days when we pray and ask God to just give us the strength to get by, to just take away the "pain."  Motherhood is filled with many emotions, many experiences, and unfortunately moments of pain and weakness. God uses these moments to make us strong and make us dependent not on our own ability to push on through but on His grace, and His grace alone.

Eventually, the pain from my labor went away(Thanks be to God!) but as a new mom, there have been many moments of weakness. Many moments when I am reminded that the only way I can get through another day and be the best mom I can be is through God's grace. Sure motherhood has its highs... the first time they smile at you, their very first laugh, and when you hear those precious words... "Ma-Ma." These are the moments that make all the pain worthwhile.

By no means will I ever become the perfect mom.  The pains of motherhood come and go but not without God there giving me the strength and rest when I so desperately need it. I am the mother I am because God is guiding me every step of the way. There will come a day when my daughter will experience pain and weakness that I cannot heal or take away from her. I imagine these will be some of the toughest moments for me. Much like Paul shared his moments of weakness with the church I can take these moments and teach her about what a great God we serve. I can tell her that it is only when we are weak that we can be strong. God's grace is sufficient for me and it is sufficient for her.I praise God for that! Like childbirth... without pain there is no reward and without our God there is no hope.