Christian Mommy

 I was blessed to have been raised in a Christian home but my memories of it being Christ-centered on a daily basis are limited.  Most of my memories were wrapped around Sunday church and traditional customs. When I became a mom I wondered how I would incorporate the Bible and teach Isabelle about Jesus. I felt overwhelmed and lost because I really didn’t know where to start. I remember my pastor saying that we should pray for our children at all times, even when they are in the womb, so I started there. Belly big and full of life, I would pray for her in silence; praying that her little body would grow and develop as God intended. When she was born, I would pray over her crib when she would fall asleep.  Her gentle breaths filled me with ease as I knew God had brought her to me. As the days passed and she quickly turned from chubby faced infant to a long-legged two year old the amount of information she took in just amazed me.  ABC’s, colors, and shapes it seemed she grasped each new concept with such ease there wasn’t anything I couldn’t teach her! But still, I wasn’t sure how to be a Christian mommy and how to make sure I was laying the foundation for her to one day say, “I choose you, Jesus.” 
Our church had begun this new ministry called @Home  to help create God-honoring families at home. Last week, during announcements, they suggested becoming intentional with prayer at home using the 7-5-2 plan.  I realized that even though I was feeling alone in the process and without another woman’s example to follow, I wanted to be intentional about raising my daughter to know the Lord. I realized I had to first be an example. Isabelle would have to see me pray, see me read my Bible, and see me worship either in song or in word.  I also had to approach it in a way that was both educational (which I was very familiar with) and sincere.  
I decided I would utilize a morning schedule to do so. So for the first morning after brushing her teeth and washing her face I sat with her in our rocking chair and read her a few pages from “My First Bible.” It was a children’s Bible that was a very simplified version of the most important stories in the Bible. I read her a few pages which covered Creation, the fall of Man, and Noah’s Ark.  I read to her like I would have with any other book; discussing the pictures, asking her simple questions, and introducing characters. It didn’t take more than 20 minutes or so and after we were done, I let her go and play. Isabelle loved books so I knew this set up would work with her just fine!
So as to continue with my plan on being intentional, I set up to take a few moments for myself and read my Bible too (so that while she played she would see me reading).  I started off with the resources I already had, my Bible and a woman’s devotional I had received for high school graduation. I opened up to the last spot I had left off on, as there were notes and markings from my last attempts to get back into reading. The day’s devotional was written by a woman whose husband of eight years had left her and her two-year old son while she was pregnant with their second child. She openly talked about how alone she felt, abandoned, and unsure of what to do now that she was a single mom.  Of course, reading her testimony made me feel like a fool for feeling apprehension and intimidation as I approached this new “plan” of being a Christian mommy. I mean at least I still had my husband! But it was in reading this woman’s testimony, that I learned that even with a husband by my side, my job as a mother was mine and mine alone. No amount of resources and examples could lead me to becoming the mom God intended for me to be. Only God could…  and so her testimony lead me to this verse:

Day one and God was already laying down the foundation for the journey I was willing to take for the sake of my child! The fears I had did not matter, nor did the plethora of resources at my fingertips because God was the one leading this journey. It was God who would bless my intentions of becoming a better mom. 

I know there will be bumps along the road and days when I am the worst example of a Christian woman but I was reminded that He would never leave me or forsake me.  I will be okay because I have chosen God as my guide and His word as the resource…

The Good Life

Wisdom

When I have ceased to break my wings
Against the faultiness of things,
And learned that compromises wait
Behind each hardly opened gate,
When I have looked Life in the eyes,
Grown calm and very coldly wise,
Life will have given me the Truth,
And taken in exchange--my youth.


Sara Teasdale

 Before Isabelle was born, we went on a "babymoon" to Maui. Never before, had I witnessed such beauty and tranquility. It was evident that this was what people meant by "living the good life." We were truly in paradise. Saul and I had worked so hard to get to this point, and now we were able to enjoy a beautiful vacation just before we would welcome our precious baby girl. What more could we ask for?

 About a month ago, I quit my job to stay at home with Isabelle. It was a job I thought would lead me onto a career-path I had envisioned. One that would utilize my education, experience, and provide the pay I felt I was "worthy" of receiving. I remember how thrilled I was when I was offered the position. Flexibility, independence,  leadership, and significance: these were the qualities this job seemed to offer. It wasn't long before I discovered that I had made a deal with the devil. 

Six months later... I had put on 15 lbs, my heart had hardened and shrank like that of the Grinch, my marriage was crumbling, and my daughter had become a bratty two-year old, selfish, and angry.  The "good life" I had envisioned, one of attaining a college degree, having money in the bank, succeeding in my career, and vacationing in Maui was crumbling  right before my very eyes.

One day, while on the long commute to my mom's house, (she was watching Isabelle for me that day)... God spoke to me through her beautiful little voice. From about as early as 16 months or so, Isabelle showed signs that she loved to sing. There were mornings when I could hear her over the baby monitor mimicking the sounds of songs I would sing to her. When she began talking, she took every opportunity to sing or dance to the sound of music playing around her. I had my radio hooked up to my phone that day, playing Pandora.  Bible Songs for Kids, was the station I would play for her and every morning I could hear her “singing” in the back seat. This particular morning, the song “Our God is an Awesome God” came on and it was the first time she had ever heard it. After the song was over, she kept singing the melody and I was amazed at how quickly she had learned it. So I turned the radio off and took the opportunity to teach her the words. Again, with ease, she quickly learned the lyrics and began singing with me. I was filled with so much joy and emotion! As I pulled into my mom's driveway to leave her and head out to work, the sadness crept in. By this time, I dreaded going to work and the only thing that kept me going was knowing that we needed the money, and I couldn’t let me family down. I have to provide for my family. We’ll lose everything if I don’t stick this out…

 

That morning, on my way to work I thought long and hard about the person I had become. I couldn’t help but question why God had allowed me to finish school if it didn’t lead to a spectacular career. I questioned why with the added income, we still struggled financially. I questioned why even though Isabelle was being cared for by her grandparents, she was picking up bad habits and losing pieces of her beautiful spirit. None of it made sense to me and I wanted answers. What happened to the “good life” all these personal accomplishments of mine, had promised?

In my brokenness, God spoke. He revealed to me a notion I had not even considered. A notion of what being a mother really means, according only to Him and not the world’s standards. He had sent me Isabelle for a reason. She was His promise, as we had prayerfully named her. The promise of His word…

For years I had believed that the plans God had for me were grandiose and spectacular. That it meant having a wonderfully successful career where I could influence people and utilize every gift and talent that God had blessed me with. But this vision was based on the standards of the world and not on the standards of God’s word.  God’s plans were, and continue to be, grandiose and spectacular but they are also very simple. His plans were for me to be a mother. A mother to a beautiful little singer, a beautiful baby girl whom  He also had plans for. What those plans included, only time would tell, but for some reason He felt I was best suited to lead her through that journey. 

Leaving my job was not easy. I fought with Saul trying to convince him that we were spending more money then I was bringing in. I fought to convince him that this was what God was telling me to do. I fought with myself, trying to validate leaving behind the kids that I had worked with.  I felt I had put so much time and effort into the short time we had spent together and it wouldn't be fair to them to leave so soon. I felt that no matter what I decided, I would be letting someone down. I kept giving myself a timeline, applying for other jobs in hopes something better would come along. Yet every morning I wondered why I couldn't even come up with enough gas money to get to work, let alone take Isabelle to my mom's house, and yet we so needed my income to survive. Every day in my car, I could hear God telling me to step out in faith, to trust that our needs would be met and to stop trying to buy time. That's when I realized there is no such thing.  My Tio Beto had just passed away from cancer. He left behind his wife, his kids,  nieces and nephews, and his precious grandchildren so much sooner than any of us had anticipated. He even went before my grandmother did. I couldn't understand why God had chosen to take her child away after all she had been through in her 84 years. I watched her mourn him in the hospital, cry in the car on the way there hoping she still had some time with her oldest son before God decided to take him home. I couldn't imagine the pain she must have been feeling.

I decided that as cliche as it sounded, life really was too short and I couldn't continue going like I was. I had to make a decision quickly before I lost everything, but most importantly, before I lost my daughter and my marriage. So, I gave up the money, I gave up stability, and I gave up trying to "provide for my family." I realized that it wasn't my job to provide for my family, but God's. He was the one who provided me with a husband and daughter to begin with and where would I be without them? So just as I had decided years ago that God would lead my marriage, I decided  that God would lead my parenting as well.

And so begins another step in trying to "live the good life." Only this time, I'm working on living a good life that is filled with understanding, acceptance, and peace.  The kind of life God would have me live and the kind of life I pray my daughter, Isabelle, will want to live as well.

Encouragement

"But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness."  Hebrews 3:13

 When my daughter was about a month old, I joined a moms' group. At the time, I didn't want to join the group. The thought of getting a one month old up and ready in the morning sounded draining and impossible.  A woman I had met in my birthing class called me about a week before the first meeting of the moms' group. I was sitting in the nursery struggling to nurse my baby girl when the phone rang. I let it ring and go to voicemail.

I don't have time to talk right now...

There's something about being a new mom and feeling so alone. The world around you has become very unfamiliar and every fear you could imagine, regarding motherhood, just wells up within you. As I listened to the voicemail, I heard the voice I had been yearning to hear for quite some time.  It was of another new mom, just like me, looking for a listening ear and hoping to hear a voice of encouragement saying, "it will be okay..."

Joining that moms' group was one of the best decisions I ever made. I will never forget the support and love I felt during that time. I will also never forget how heart broken I was when life went on and the other moms in the group returned to work.  We did our best to meet at least once a month during the first year of our little ones lives. Nothing will ever compare though, to those first weeks together.

As a mom and as a woman, I have learned over the years how important and valuable it is to have encouragement and support from one another. Recently, the woman who ran our mom's group began a group on Facebook. She invited many of the moms she had encountered over the years to join. I think the group has grown to over one hundred members! Here moms can post any questions or concerns without the fear of being judged.  The most common questions... "Will things get any easier? and "Has anyone else had this happen?"  Many of the responses are usually YES!  Three letters that make all the difference.

I am now 13 months into this gift called motherhood. Would I say that things have gotten easier? Yes, and No... I think if anything, time allows us to adjust and learn. BUT with every new moment and breath of our child's life, there are new challenges and new joys. It is the encouragement we receive from each other that makes things easier.

I've met a lot of new moms in this past year. Some will tell me that everything is going great and they haven't faced any issues since their baby has been born. For them, I pray that one day they can feel comfortable to confide in someone and get the support they need. Some moms tell me life is tough but the love they feel for their little one only grows each day. For them, I pray the same prayer. Some moms make it look easy and some moms you look at their worn faces and want to wrap your arms around them! I've learned we are all running the same race and in the end we all need strength, we all need rest, and we all need encouragement to keep at it.  This is the one race where we were all predetermined winners, from the moment we met the loving gaze of our first child.

Tired and Weak

" And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distress, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9,10)

When you first come home from the hospital, emotions are high and your main goal is to  make your new little one feel comfortable. The last person on your mind is yourself... right up until the pain starts to settle in. Months later my husband would tell me that he felt so bad for me. He said I walked with these slow, uneven strides and when I would attempt to sit down it pained him to see me cringe like an old woman only to witness more discomfort from the pressure of sitting down. I remember feeling light-headed in the shower.I felt like a semi-truck had plowed into my body, catapulting me across the road causing me to roll down an embankment, and then left alone for hours to think about what had just happened.

Seven months later, I still feel the same. Not so much physically, but emotionally, and mentally. I heard it said by a nurse that delivering a baby uses every muscle in your body. What they don't tell you is that becoming a mommy isn't much different. Lack of sleep, food, and even a shower here and there, can make a person feel abandoned and unkempt. All your energy and strength go to feeding, caring, and loving your new baby. Much like an old well filled with water, eventually its going to dry up without replenishment. 

In this verse of 2 Corinthians, Paul had a thorn in his flesh. He asked God to remove it. Instead of removing the thorn, God gave him the strength to bear it. I imagine the thorn didn't feel anything like a woman giving birth (let's face it men can't handle that kind of pain) but in that moment when we become mothers I imagine God places a thorn in our flesh. Some days the pain is minimal, other days we pray to God asking Him to take it away! I realize I might be judged by comparing motherhood to having a thorn thrust in your flesh, especially by those of you who aren't yet there, but let's be honest moms.. you know what I mean.

I believe that in order to be a good mother a part of us dies. It is the selfish part of us. The part of us that puts ourselves first, the part of us we miss sometimes... Every mom can admit there are days she wishes she could just have a "ME" day. A day without the kids, without the pressures of being everything to everyone... except herself. It is those days when the thorn hurts a little more than usual. It is those days when we pray and ask God to just give us the strength to get by, to just take away the "pain."  Motherhood is filled with many emotions, many experiences, and unfortunately moments of pain and weakness. God uses these moments to make us strong and make us dependent not on our own ability to push on through but on His grace, and His grace alone.

Eventually, the pain from my labor went away(Thanks be to God!) but as a new mom, there have been many moments of weakness. Many moments when I am reminded that the only way I can get through another day and be the best mom I can be is through God's grace. Sure motherhood has its highs... the first time they smile at you, their very first laugh, and when you hear those precious words... "Ma-Ma." These are the moments that make all the pain worthwhile.

By no means will I ever become the perfect mom.  The pains of motherhood come and go but not without God there giving me the strength and rest when I so desperately need it. I am the mother I am because God is guiding me every step of the way. There will come a day when my daughter will experience pain and weakness that I cannot heal or take away from her. I imagine these will be some of the toughest moments for me. Much like Paul shared his moments of weakness with the church I can take these moments and teach her about what a great God we serve. I can tell her that it is only when we are weak that we can be strong. God's grace is sufficient for me and it is sufficient for her.I praise God for that! Like childbirth... without pain there is no reward and without our God there is no hope.

The cost of putting your trust in HIM

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, And whose hope is in the Lord." Jeremiah 17:7

 My husband and I weren't planning on kids for at least another two years. I was at the end of my Master's program and looking forward to finally starting a career in teaching. Even though the job market was slim I had faith that God wouldn't have brought me this far and not have a job waiting for me.

We spent the majority of our marriage living a life we wouldn't have chose if you paid us. In fact, after ten years together it was finally beginning to feel like we were an actual married couple. We had bought our first home eight months earlier, work was extremely busy for my husband, and we looked forward to a vacation together to celebrate the completion of school and the start of a new career.

In an instant God changed everything...

After a trip to the 99 cent store, I walked over to my husband and asked him to join me in the restroom.
"What does that mean?" he looked at me, knowing the answer but awaiting confirmation.
"It means I'm pregnant." Tears welled up in my eyes. I didn't know what to think. How could this happen? What happens now? What does this all mean? My mind raced, my heart beat faster, and a queasiness began to build up within.
 He hugged me, smiled, and hugged me again. Instead of questions he seemed to already know the answer.  Those 99 cents we spent that day changed my life forever.

Maybe it's years of uncertainty or just one moment but often we find ourselves wondering what God is doing with our lives. We can't help but ask those questions that reveal how faithless we really are. Looking back on that moment for us I felt like God had a sense of humor. I pictured Him up in Heaven nodding His head as if to say, "My silly little children, don't you know by now that it is I who do the planning around here?" I may not know what God had in store when He sent us our little miracle. He defied all odds that she would ever come into existence. He proved to us that He knows better.

I'm still getting used to being a mom. It's a role only God can prepare you for. Every day that I look at those beautiful eyes God created, I'm reminded of His love. I'm reminded that the blessings flow because we trust in Him. We may not always understand the why or know the how but God promises to never leave us. As humans we have this false sense of security that as long as thing are going along smoothly it must mean we've got a good handle of things. I know that's where we were back then.

Becoming a parent has taught me to remember that I am first, a child,a child of God... Children look to their parents for answers, for advice, and for comfort. When we have the attitude of a child God can use us in ways we never thought possible. When we have the attitude of a child we can begin to experience the blessings of God and become blessed MEN [and women] who trust in the Lord.