Christian Mommy

 I was blessed to have been raised in a Christian home but my memories of it being Christ-centered on a daily basis are limited.  Most of my memories were wrapped around Sunday church and traditional customs. When I became a mom I wondered how I would incorporate the Bible and teach Isabelle about Jesus. I felt overwhelmed and lost because I really didn’t know where to start. I remember my pastor saying that we should pray for our children at all times, even when they are in the womb, so I started there. Belly big and full of life, I would pray for her in silence; praying that her little body would grow and develop as God intended. When she was born, I would pray over her crib when she would fall asleep.  Her gentle breaths filled me with ease as I knew God had brought her to me. As the days passed and she quickly turned from chubby faced infant to a long-legged two year old the amount of information she took in just amazed me.  ABC’s, colors, and shapes it seemed she grasped each new concept with such ease there wasn’t anything I couldn’t teach her! But still, I wasn’t sure how to be a Christian mommy and how to make sure I was laying the foundation for her to one day say, “I choose you, Jesus.” 
Our church had begun this new ministry called @Home  to help create God-honoring families at home. Last week, during announcements, they suggested becoming intentional with prayer at home using the 7-5-2 plan.  I realized that even though I was feeling alone in the process and without another woman’s example to follow, I wanted to be intentional about raising my daughter to know the Lord. I realized I had to first be an example. Isabelle would have to see me pray, see me read my Bible, and see me worship either in song or in word.  I also had to approach it in a way that was both educational (which I was very familiar with) and sincere.  
I decided I would utilize a morning schedule to do so. So for the first morning after brushing her teeth and washing her face I sat with her in our rocking chair and read her a few pages from “My First Bible.” It was a children’s Bible that was a very simplified version of the most important stories in the Bible. I read her a few pages which covered Creation, the fall of Man, and Noah’s Ark.  I read to her like I would have with any other book; discussing the pictures, asking her simple questions, and introducing characters. It didn’t take more than 20 minutes or so and after we were done, I let her go and play. Isabelle loved books so I knew this set up would work with her just fine!
So as to continue with my plan on being intentional, I set up to take a few moments for myself and read my Bible too (so that while she played she would see me reading).  I started off with the resources I already had, my Bible and a woman’s devotional I had received for high school graduation. I opened up to the last spot I had left off on, as there were notes and markings from my last attempts to get back into reading. The day’s devotional was written by a woman whose husband of eight years had left her and her two-year old son while she was pregnant with their second child. She openly talked about how alone she felt, abandoned, and unsure of what to do now that she was a single mom.  Of course, reading her testimony made me feel like a fool for feeling apprehension and intimidation as I approached this new “plan” of being a Christian mommy. I mean at least I still had my husband! But it was in reading this woman’s testimony, that I learned that even with a husband by my side, my job as a mother was mine and mine alone. No amount of resources and examples could lead me to becoming the mom God intended for me to be. Only God could…  and so her testimony lead me to this verse:

Day one and God was already laying down the foundation for the journey I was willing to take for the sake of my child! The fears I had did not matter, nor did the plethora of resources at my fingertips because God was the one leading this journey. It was God who would bless my intentions of becoming a better mom. 

I know there will be bumps along the road and days when I am the worst example of a Christian woman but I was reminded that He would never leave me or forsake me.  I will be okay because I have chosen God as my guide and His word as the resource…

The Good Life

Wisdom

When I have ceased to break my wings
Against the faultiness of things,
And learned that compromises wait
Behind each hardly opened gate,
When I have looked Life in the eyes,
Grown calm and very coldly wise,
Life will have given me the Truth,
And taken in exchange--my youth.


Sara Teasdale

 Before Isabelle was born, we went on a "babymoon" to Maui. Never before, had I witnessed such beauty and tranquility. It was evident that this was what people meant by "living the good life." We were truly in paradise. Saul and I had worked so hard to get to this point, and now we were able to enjoy a beautiful vacation just before we would welcome our precious baby girl. What more could we ask for?

 About a month ago, I quit my job to stay at home with Isabelle. It was a job I thought would lead me onto a career-path I had envisioned. One that would utilize my education, experience, and provide the pay I felt I was "worthy" of receiving. I remember how thrilled I was when I was offered the position. Flexibility, independence,  leadership, and significance: these were the qualities this job seemed to offer. It wasn't long before I discovered that I had made a deal with the devil. 

Six months later... I had put on 15 lbs, my heart had hardened and shrank like that of the Grinch, my marriage was crumbling, and my daughter had become a bratty two-year old, selfish, and angry.  The "good life" I had envisioned, one of attaining a college degree, having money in the bank, succeeding in my career, and vacationing in Maui was crumbling  right before my very eyes.

One day, while on the long commute to my mom's house, (she was watching Isabelle for me that day)... God spoke to me through her beautiful little voice. From about as early as 16 months or so, Isabelle showed signs that she loved to sing. There were mornings when I could hear her over the baby monitor mimicking the sounds of songs I would sing to her. When she began talking, she took every opportunity to sing or dance to the sound of music playing around her. I had my radio hooked up to my phone that day, playing Pandora.  Bible Songs for Kids, was the station I would play for her and every morning I could hear her “singing” in the back seat. This particular morning, the song “Our God is an Awesome God” came on and it was the first time she had ever heard it. After the song was over, she kept singing the melody and I was amazed at how quickly she had learned it. So I turned the radio off and took the opportunity to teach her the words. Again, with ease, she quickly learned the lyrics and began singing with me. I was filled with so much joy and emotion! As I pulled into my mom's driveway to leave her and head out to work, the sadness crept in. By this time, I dreaded going to work and the only thing that kept me going was knowing that we needed the money, and I couldn’t let me family down. I have to provide for my family. We’ll lose everything if I don’t stick this out…

 

That morning, on my way to work I thought long and hard about the person I had become. I couldn’t help but question why God had allowed me to finish school if it didn’t lead to a spectacular career. I questioned why with the added income, we still struggled financially. I questioned why even though Isabelle was being cared for by her grandparents, she was picking up bad habits and losing pieces of her beautiful spirit. None of it made sense to me and I wanted answers. What happened to the “good life” all these personal accomplishments of mine, had promised?

In my brokenness, God spoke. He revealed to me a notion I had not even considered. A notion of what being a mother really means, according only to Him and not the world’s standards. He had sent me Isabelle for a reason. She was His promise, as we had prayerfully named her. The promise of His word…

For years I had believed that the plans God had for me were grandiose and spectacular. That it meant having a wonderfully successful career where I could influence people and utilize every gift and talent that God had blessed me with. But this vision was based on the standards of the world and not on the standards of God’s word.  God’s plans were, and continue to be, grandiose and spectacular but they are also very simple. His plans were for me to be a mother. A mother to a beautiful little singer, a beautiful baby girl whom  He also had plans for. What those plans included, only time would tell, but for some reason He felt I was best suited to lead her through that journey. 

Leaving my job was not easy. I fought with Saul trying to convince him that we were spending more money then I was bringing in. I fought to convince him that this was what God was telling me to do. I fought with myself, trying to validate leaving behind the kids that I had worked with.  I felt I had put so much time and effort into the short time we had spent together and it wouldn't be fair to them to leave so soon. I felt that no matter what I decided, I would be letting someone down. I kept giving myself a timeline, applying for other jobs in hopes something better would come along. Yet every morning I wondered why I couldn't even come up with enough gas money to get to work, let alone take Isabelle to my mom's house, and yet we so needed my income to survive. Every day in my car, I could hear God telling me to step out in faith, to trust that our needs would be met and to stop trying to buy time. That's when I realized there is no such thing.  My Tio Beto had just passed away from cancer. He left behind his wife, his kids,  nieces and nephews, and his precious grandchildren so much sooner than any of us had anticipated. He even went before my grandmother did. I couldn't understand why God had chosen to take her child away after all she had been through in her 84 years. I watched her mourn him in the hospital, cry in the car on the way there hoping she still had some time with her oldest son before God decided to take him home. I couldn't imagine the pain she must have been feeling.

I decided that as cliche as it sounded, life really was too short and I couldn't continue going like I was. I had to make a decision quickly before I lost everything, but most importantly, before I lost my daughter and my marriage. So, I gave up the money, I gave up stability, and I gave up trying to "provide for my family." I realized that it wasn't my job to provide for my family, but God's. He was the one who provided me with a husband and daughter to begin with and where would I be without them? So just as I had decided years ago that God would lead my marriage, I decided  that God would lead my parenting as well.

And so begins another step in trying to "live the good life." Only this time, I'm working on living a good life that is filled with understanding, acceptance, and peace.  The kind of life God would have me live and the kind of life I pray my daughter, Isabelle, will want to live as well.