Tired and Weak

" And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distress, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9,10)

When you first come home from the hospital, emotions are high and your main goal is to  make your new little one feel comfortable. The last person on your mind is yourself... right up until the pain starts to settle in. Months later my husband would tell me that he felt so bad for me. He said I walked with these slow, uneven strides and when I would attempt to sit down it pained him to see me cringe like an old woman only to witness more discomfort from the pressure of sitting down. I remember feeling light-headed in the shower.I felt like a semi-truck had plowed into my body, catapulting me across the road causing me to roll down an embankment, and then left alone for hours to think about what had just happened.

Seven months later, I still feel the same. Not so much physically, but emotionally, and mentally. I heard it said by a nurse that delivering a baby uses every muscle in your body. What they don't tell you is that becoming a mommy isn't much different. Lack of sleep, food, and even a shower here and there, can make a person feel abandoned and unkempt. All your energy and strength go to feeding, caring, and loving your new baby. Much like an old well filled with water, eventually its going to dry up without replenishment. 

In this verse of 2 Corinthians, Paul had a thorn in his flesh. He asked God to remove it. Instead of removing the thorn, God gave him the strength to bear it. I imagine the thorn didn't feel anything like a woman giving birth (let's face it men can't handle that kind of pain) but in that moment when we become mothers I imagine God places a thorn in our flesh. Some days the pain is minimal, other days we pray to God asking Him to take it away! I realize I might be judged by comparing motherhood to having a thorn thrust in your flesh, especially by those of you who aren't yet there, but let's be honest moms.. you know what I mean.

I believe that in order to be a good mother a part of us dies. It is the selfish part of us. The part of us that puts ourselves first, the part of us we miss sometimes... Every mom can admit there are days she wishes she could just have a "ME" day. A day without the kids, without the pressures of being everything to everyone... except herself. It is those days when the thorn hurts a little more than usual. It is those days when we pray and ask God to just give us the strength to get by, to just take away the "pain."  Motherhood is filled with many emotions, many experiences, and unfortunately moments of pain and weakness. God uses these moments to make us strong and make us dependent not on our own ability to push on through but on His grace, and His grace alone.

Eventually, the pain from my labor went away(Thanks be to God!) but as a new mom, there have been many moments of weakness. Many moments when I am reminded that the only way I can get through another day and be the best mom I can be is through God's grace. Sure motherhood has its highs... the first time they smile at you, their very first laugh, and when you hear those precious words... "Ma-Ma." These are the moments that make all the pain worthwhile.

By no means will I ever become the perfect mom.  The pains of motherhood come and go but not without God there giving me the strength and rest when I so desperately need it. I am the mother I am because God is guiding me every step of the way. There will come a day when my daughter will experience pain and weakness that I cannot heal or take away from her. I imagine these will be some of the toughest moments for me. Much like Paul shared his moments of weakness with the church I can take these moments and teach her about what a great God we serve. I can tell her that it is only when we are weak that we can be strong. God's grace is sufficient for me and it is sufficient for her.I praise God for that! Like childbirth... without pain there is no reward and without our God there is no hope.

The cost of putting your trust in HIM

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, And whose hope is in the Lord." Jeremiah 17:7

 My husband and I weren't planning on kids for at least another two years. I was at the end of my Master's program and looking forward to finally starting a career in teaching. Even though the job market was slim I had faith that God wouldn't have brought me this far and not have a job waiting for me.

We spent the majority of our marriage living a life we wouldn't have chose if you paid us. In fact, after ten years together it was finally beginning to feel like we were an actual married couple. We had bought our first home eight months earlier, work was extremely busy for my husband, and we looked forward to a vacation together to celebrate the completion of school and the start of a new career.

In an instant God changed everything...

After a trip to the 99 cent store, I walked over to my husband and asked him to join me in the restroom.
"What does that mean?" he looked at me, knowing the answer but awaiting confirmation.
"It means I'm pregnant." Tears welled up in my eyes. I didn't know what to think. How could this happen? What happens now? What does this all mean? My mind raced, my heart beat faster, and a queasiness began to build up within.
 He hugged me, smiled, and hugged me again. Instead of questions he seemed to already know the answer.  Those 99 cents we spent that day changed my life forever.

Maybe it's years of uncertainty or just one moment but often we find ourselves wondering what God is doing with our lives. We can't help but ask those questions that reveal how faithless we really are. Looking back on that moment for us I felt like God had a sense of humor. I pictured Him up in Heaven nodding His head as if to say, "My silly little children, don't you know by now that it is I who do the planning around here?" I may not know what God had in store when He sent us our little miracle. He defied all odds that she would ever come into existence. He proved to us that He knows better.

I'm still getting used to being a mom. It's a role only God can prepare you for. Every day that I look at those beautiful eyes God created, I'm reminded of His love. I'm reminded that the blessings flow because we trust in Him. We may not always understand the why or know the how but God promises to never leave us. As humans we have this false sense of security that as long as thing are going along smoothly it must mean we've got a good handle of things. I know that's where we were back then.

Becoming a parent has taught me to remember that I am first, a child,a child of God... Children look to their parents for answers, for advice, and for comfort. When we have the attitude of a child God can use us in ways we never thought possible. When we have the attitude of a child we can begin to experience the blessings of God and become blessed MEN [and women] who trust in the Lord.